Healing Anxious Attachment Through “Parts Work”
I am anxiously attached. At least I used to be before I did any personal growth work on myself. Throughout 10 plus years I worked as a therapist, I was also participating in anxious/avoidant relationships. If you don’t know what I mean by “anxiously attached” or “the anxious/avoidant relationship,” read some important background information here. This blog post assumes a basic knowledge of Attachment Theory and anxious attachment.
Back to my years of being an anxiously attached therapist.
I supported clients all day, and then I’d come home to the most dysfunctional relationship. Even though I knew about “Attachment Theory,” even though I had awareness around why the pattern was happening (insert personal montage of childhood), even though I could spot the unhealthy pattern when it was unfolding between me and X, at a certain point, I couldn’t seem to stop myself from engaging or reacting.
X= About 6 of my ex boyfriends, wherein my “anxious attachment” would interact with their “avoidant attachment” in what renowned couples therapist Sue Johnson calls, “the dance of despair.”
When healing from anxious attachment- Self awareness is only the first step and it is not nearly enough. How can we use the pattern as an opportunity to evolve?
What helped me was “Parts Work.”
There are many potential techniques that could support an anxiously attached person in becoming more securely attached. This post is about just one of the options- Parts Work. This post is about what worked best for me. (I also see it work with my anxiously attached clients).
I got to know the parts of me that were active participants of my anxious attachment. That is where I met my inner child and inner teenager. This is what they looked like back then:
In taking the time to get to know these parts of me I learned that Little One was the source of my abandonment panic (usually at the root of all anxious attachment is the fear of abandonment). I also learned that Teenager was the part of me that acted aggressively towards my avoidant partners. Teenager shouted, cursed, insulted, scratched, etc. (Sometimes anxiously attached individuals act out in response to abandonment panic).
As I got to know these parts of me, I wondered who was the “I” getting to know my parts?
I met Eye. Eye sees things with a level of clarity and distance.
Eye listened to Teenager with curiosity, without judgement. Eye learned that Teenager was aggressive in order to protect Little One from all the abandonment trauma. Aggression was stronger than the vulnerability of abandonment. Teenager was a young protector doing the best she could.
Once I got to know these parts of me, I learned how to meet their needs from within- rather than turning to external sources for comfort (sources like X).
That’s about the point in my personal growth process where I met my inner mother. The Mother showed up for Little One in moments of abandonment panic. She acted the way parents who are securely attached would behave.
Parts Work gave me a very specific meditative practice (imagining The Mother and Little One interacting) that led to immediate self-soothing. This practice was my first step in learning how to resource from within.
Teenager realized that she no longer had to take care of Little One. This freed Teenager up to tap into her creative and adventurous spirit. Little One became more playful.
Somewhere on the path of doing this work, I was freed up to connect more with my inner wise part, Tazzie. Tazzie showed me how to BE- fully present, fully content, fully engaged with and enjoying the current moment, following sparks of inspiration, in a kind of flow state where things started working out for me. I lived from an authentic (and fully resourced from within) place. With this new way of being, I became a magnet to the right kind of people. My relationships, for the first time in a long time (or possibly ever) felt intimate, loving, and secure. At this stage in my personal growth process I focused less on healing, and more on enjoying being alive.
To my anxiously attached readers who are engaged in some sort of healing and personal growth process. First off, trust the process. Trust the process. Even when it’s hard, even when you can’t, trust the process.
Second, anxious attachment is a deeply rooted pattern and repeating it is part of healing it. When you fall back into the old program, try to remember that getting angry at yourself is the opposite of what you need. Try to remember that at the root of all anxious attachment are wounded child parts that need, more than anything, a consistent and attuned kind of love (that you have the capacity to give them). How can your wounded parts get the kind of love that they need in order to heal when you are getting angry at them?
When activated or triggered, instead of beating yourself up, or going down the shame spiral, instead of turning to someone outside of yourself for comfort, try turning inward. Try viewing your anxious attachment through the the lens of parts of you. Get to know your inner child and inner teenager. How do they show up in your relationships? What are they feeling? What do they need? Once you understand what it is that they need, you can find (or intentionally activate) a part within yourself who can meet the need.
Over the years, I have developed a specialty in supporting anxiously attached individuals become more securely attached. What works for each client looks different. Sometimes, as was the case for me, Parts Work does the trick. Other times subconscious reprogramming, or art therapy, or wisdom traditions, or some combination. Healing is not one-size fits all. Read more about the different approaches, here.
Are you anxiously attached- looking to get some support becoming securely attached?